Something I’m really struggling with at the moment is pity. I can see that people pity me and I really do not think that I should be pitied. True my world was upended and I went through some really really bad things and it is obviously not over but if you feel sorry for me, I start to feel sorry for myself and that is then a vicious cycle that can drag me down and allow me to stop fighting and crumble.
Last week sometime I saw an advertisement for a show at the Atterbury theater – I really wanted to go and since I couldn’t find anybody to go with me, I bought a tickets for myself and I went last night.
And every time I told somebody that I’m going on my own, they were shocked and then the next comment will be: “Shame”. And no people it’s not “shame”, it freedom, freedom to decide to do something and do it. I don’t have to run it past someone to only have it vetoed because it is far away, or too late, or expensive, or too depressive or stupid etc etc. I can just do it. So yes shame, I’m doing things on my own but I’m doing things!!!
And then the show – Afrikaans, one woman show, Sandra Prinsloo. What can I say… Firstly the word pictures that was painted – how incredibly beautiful – I could feel the pictures with my heart and I could see it with my brain, I was blown away – her sadness pierced my soul with it’s sharp jagged edges. When she was happy I could feel my heart rise and soar although it was filled with helium. Her love for her child became the all encompassing love I feel for Zoe. I cried, I laughed and I mourned…
I mourned the love I thought I had that was all an illusion. How she was loved by her husband and how she loved him in return….. I found my engagement ring abandoned at the bottom of a drawer on Tuesday – I looked at this tiny ring – yes I have such skinny fingers that the ring looks so tiny and dainty. And I felt such sadness for this ring – what it was supposed to represent, what it represented for years and what it is representing now… I’ll keep it for Zoe but to be brutally honest – do I want to pass the legacy of those diamonds onto her?
So no don’t “shame” me. Rather say “good on you girl”. Grab life by the balls and do what you want to do, if you can, when you can. Yes live with intensity and passion and joy and follow your own bloody hard head!!!! And bump your head and get hurt and fall down and get up and dust yourself off and forge ahead. This life is going to be a triumph, it’s going to be an epic adventure.
And my Afrikaans readers – if you have the opportunity to go and see Sandra Prinsloo in Moedertaal – grab it and go…