So when can I say to everybody around me – I’m done with being strong – I need to collapse in a heap and cry for a week?
I so appreciate everybody around me and the support but I’ve been running away from the heart and soul issues for too long now. I’ve sorted the physical, financial, practical issues but everything that is just about me I’ve crammed into a box and I’ve packed it into the deepest recesses of my mind.
And it is wriggling and wiggling to come out and if it does without my permission it is going to engulf me and destroy me.
I need to collapse and be alone and ghost my phone and feel sorry for myself and cry until I’m cried out.
I need to deal with the double rejection, the hurt, the anger, the loss of a life, the loss of my youth, the loss of dreams and plans, the loss of who I thought I was – or was trained into believing, the loss of my child – yes I have lost her in a sense as well – because I’m missing out on all her experiences. And the hurtful words and actions of people – people that I allowed in when I shouldn’t have. People telling me I’m too intense – what the hell – too intense????? I’ve been fighting for some kind of normality for months now – obviously I’m intense – I’m in fight or flight mode the whole time!! And maybe intense is not such a bad thing – it can also mean that I’m passionate about things and yes I’m planning to live my life to the fullest – I’m out of my gilded cage and it is my turn to fly on my terms now – so yes if you can’t handle intense – tell me so and let’s move on, but don’t ghost me. (ohhh dear – going of the subject here)
Wednesday evening when I planned to have a night alone my brother dragged me away and kept me going until so late that I could only go home and collapse.
The same with the weekend – instead of staying at home and facing my demons – I was once again out running away.
So sooner or later – I’m going to have to be strong again – tell everybody around me that I’m going to switch off my phone, and that I’ll be fine but I need to be alone at home… for a big chunk of time to deal with the issues. Because by running away and staying busy all the time, I’m not dealing with what is going on inside. And I need to.
I have a dream and I’m really hoping to fulfill it – every weekend when Zoe is away I want to pack my tent and a sleeping bag in my car – nothing else – it has to be completely basic and I want to drive in any direction away from Johannesburg and put my tent up in a camping site and stay there for the weekend – by myself. Go and run the trails around the area and sit at night looking at the stars.
The bottom line of this whole thing is that I need to spend time with myself because I need to love myself and like myself and that will give me the power to disallow people to hurt me so deeply with their perceptions of me – then a rejection like – you are too intense will roll of my back because I’ll see that intense may be so much better than shallow and just being alive….