Strong

So when can I say to everybody around me – I’m done with being strong – I need to collapse in a heap and cry for a week?

I so appreciate everybody around me and the support but I’ve been running away from the heart and soul issues for too long now.  I’ve sorted the physical, financial, practical issues but everything that is just about me I’ve crammed into a box and I’ve packed it into the deepest recesses of my mind.

And it is wriggling and wiggling to come out and if it does without my permission it is going to engulf me and destroy me.

I need to collapse and be alone and ghost my phone and feel sorry for myself and cry until I’m cried out.

I need to deal with the double rejection, the hurt, the anger, the loss of a life, the loss of my youth, the  loss of dreams and plans, the loss of who I thought I was – or was trained into believing, the loss of my child – yes I have lost her in a sense as well – because I’m missing out on all her experiences.  And the hurtful words and actions of people – people that I allowed in when I shouldn’t have.  People telling me I’m too intense – what the hell – too intense?????  I’ve been fighting for some kind of normality for months now – obviously I’m intense – I’m in fight or flight mode the whole time!!  And maybe intense is not such a bad thing – it can also mean that I’m passionate about things and yes I’m planning to live my life to the fullest – I’m out of my gilded cage and it is my turn to fly on my terms now – so yes if you can’t handle intense – tell me so and let’s move on, but don’t ghost me.  (ohhh dear – going of the subject here)

Wednesday  evening when I planned to have a night alone my brother dragged me away and kept me going until so late that I could only go home and collapse.

The same with the weekend – instead of staying at home and facing my demons – I was once again out running away.

So sooner or later – I’m going to have to be strong again – tell everybody around me that I’m going to switch off my phone, and that I’ll be fine but I need to be alone at home…  for a big chunk of time to deal with the issues.  Because by running away and staying busy all the time, I’m not dealing with what is going on inside.  And I need to.

I have a dream and I’m really hoping to fulfill it – every weekend when Zoe is away I want to pack my tent and a sleeping bag in my car – nothing else – it has to be completely basic and I want to drive in any direction away from Johannesburg and put my tent up in a camping site and stay there for the weekend – by myself.  Go and run the trails around the area and sit at night looking at the stars.

The bottom line of this whole thing is that I need to spend time with myself because I need to love myself and like myself and that will give me the power to disallow people to hurt me so deeply with their perceptions of me – then a rejection like – you are too intense will roll of my back because I’ll see that intense may be so much better than shallow and just being alive….

 

 

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Strong

  1. halberts2014 says:

    Go and do whatever you need to do to feel like you again. Yes, we are all quick to say “stay strong” (me included) but we are not in your shoes. It’s so easy to sit on the sidelines and say that this is what you need to do, but only you really know what YOU need to do.
    So go do it. You know we are behind you all the way, whatever you need.

  2. charliesbird says:

    I hear you, I think it’s a great idea and I’ll be cheering you on in the background.
    I love intensity, do something, be passionate, and embrace it! You are intensely RM, I love it! Honest, loyal, real!

    • runnermum says:

      Thanks Charlie – it seems although the people that can handle intensity is few and far. I think it is because people do not want to face the reality of their own lives – it is easier to just exist.

  3. MamaCat says:

    You run the Comrades, multiple time, how else are you supposed to be? No one who is not intense could ever do the things you do. Embrace the person you are, because you are great!

  4. Nats says:

    Why worry about what people say, you have gone through a truckload of a crapstorm in the past few months, until someone have walked in your shoes, they will never understand what you have gone through, my goodness, if you were strong all the time, I would be a bit worried that you are some kind or crazy person, you are human after all, so you are allowed to just be.

    I love the idea of camping, but please just make sure that you are safe, sometimes you just need to disconnect from the world to find yourself again.

  5. Deblet says:

    Tent and car sound like a great idea. Would be great reflection and soul searching time. Do it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s