Well my bloggy friends. I’m sure you all could see that something was brewing. And yes it was brewing – way more than what I thought and way more than what I bargained for.
Hubby has asked for a divorce – he has been to a lawyer, he has found a place to stay and it is done.
I’m completely and utterly shattered. I knew we were going through a bad patch, but this, this I didn’t expect.
And he told me it is because I don’t love him and he hasn’t been happy for 20 years. So half of my life has been a lie. AND another person has decided about how I feel and about my future and more importantly about my child’s happiness, future and security. I’m angry and I’m bitter and mostly helpless.
I had to tell Zoe yesterday and my poor poor child – she just cried and cried and cried. She is torn and it doesn’t matter what I tell her, her life will never be the same.
And now you may really laugh at me but I’m really really very worried about Hubby. Everything that he is doing and saying and acting shows that he has severe depression…. I’ve begged him to go for therapy or get some anti-depressants but he will not listen to me.
So it’s a sad sad time in my life. I ran a race yesterday – I have promised myself that it doesn’t matter how bad I feel – that I will get up and go and run. I have to. I cried for 21 kilometers because it was our thing – we went to races together and he waited for me at the end. It was horrible and heartbreaking but also a catharsis – all our running peeps now know what is going on and I have proved to myself that I can do this on my own.
Obviously there are a lot of worries and questions swirling in my mind. Most importantly I suppose the finances BUT I have realised that for now – I have to make myself my main priority because I can’t help Zoe through this if I’m not strong and relatively OK. So no big decisions, no knee jerk reactions, just get on with the day to day living.
I have dropped 3kg’s in a week – the mere thought of food makes me want to puke. So there is some positive to this…. 🙂
GW if you are still reading my blog – I think he needs you at this stage but he is too proud to contact you.