I’ve had this sense of doom and gloom hanging over me for quite a while now. It just seems although everything is too much trouble and just not worth it. I get home from work in the afternoons and I sit on the couch with Zoe next to me for the whole afternoon until I have to drag my weary body off the couch to go and run or to go and prepare dinner.
It feels although I’m absolutely stuck in a rut. Running – just the same as last year. Work – well even the auditors asked me yesterday how I still manage to be here because it is so bad here. Same house, same routine, same town, same mall, same bad quality overpriced junk in the shops, petrol going up, electricity going up, riots, strikes, crime, fear, anger, Nkandla, Julius Malema, nothing new, everything the same.
I look around me and everybody has something new in their lifes. A friend is single after a divorce (yes I know it is not an ideal situation and I don’t want to be there) but at least she knows there may be a few adventures waiting for her. A friend is having a baby in 2 weeks, another friend falling pregnant with twins, a friend preparing for her first Comrades.
And here I am – trying to book the same accomodation for the same runs that we did last year and the year before and the year before.
I can’t even find joy in baking because all I can think of is the price of the ingredients and how it is going to waste anyway.
Hubby has a mad person threatening him and his family at work. They caught the guy stealing and now he is up in arms. Bad thing – he knows where we live and everything. So extra vigilant and too scared to go out and do things.
I look at my house and I see all the places that the domestic goddess does not clean properly but I just can’t seem to get the energy together to grab the cleaning materials to clean it.
I sit and I comfort eat and I bury myself in crappy for free books for my Kindle and ignore my child and park her in front of the TV to watch Disney junior.
Intelectually I know I have so much to be grateful for and that there are people around that is so much worse off but spiritually and emotionally I just can’t get past this incredible feeling of sorrow, unresolved anger, dejection, hopelessness and lethargy.
Urrrgghhhhh – even a Vitamin B injection didn’t help.
And now I can go on and make a massive list of everything that I should be grateful for but it just does not help at the moment.
And that is my feeling sorry for myself post for the year. No more – I better grab myself by the hair and get out of this rut.