We were at a party on Saturday night and I wanted to leave at around 12. Somebody asked me why and I said that I know Zoe is getting up at 6 in the mornings and I don’t want to be too tired when she wakes up. And then he asked me why did I have a child?
I looked at him with my mouth open while memories flooded my brain. The first time she smiled, the first time she laughed out loud, the first crawl, step, word, sentence, the tiny little hand in my mine, hearing her say Mommy I love you. I struggled to put words to my feelings and all that came out was: “She is my whole life”. I still don’t know if that is sufficient enough to describe how I feel about Zoe but I don’t think that there is enought time or words in this world to describe that enormous feeling.
I also think that is the reason why I don’t really write a lot about her – I just don’t feel that my limited vocabulary or limited time and space on a blog can really describe the feeling.
All our friends are either childless or have part time kids due to divorce. We are the only couple with a full time child. And maybe our friends only see what we miss out on – the early leaving at parties, not going to the Sexpo, choosing not to go to Thailand because of the expense of an extra plane ticket, the messy house, the getting up all the time to go somewhere to help or give attention, not sleeping late in the mornings, not having unlimited money for ourselves.
So maybe it is my fault that people ask me why I had a child because maybe I don’t show enough how all the sacrifices in the world is nothing in comparison to that tiny little hand that slips into my hand or that little body that moulds itself to me when I pick her up and she tells me, she loves me.
And then I had a bit of a pregnancy scare last week. I was absolutely convinced I was pregnant. Goodness I almost lost my mind because I really really do not think that it will be good for anybody involved if I have another child now. But then when it turned out to be a false alarm I was really dissapointed and did feel a little bit empty. And then I saw a baby in the shops – nothing special about her – just a baby sitting in her pram blowing spit bubbles and gurgling to herself. The mom was completely oblivious to the cuteness of her baby and I actually wanted to go up to her and shake her and say to her to treasure this – it does not last and you will forget – even if you don’t think you wil now, you will. I can’t for the life of me remember Zoe doing that gurgling noise although I know she did do it.
Goodness I am a bit confused at the moment – I think it is just sinking in at the moment that my fertile years are slowly coming to an end and I do think it is a mindset adjustment to make.