Words…

But first a quick question:  A dandelion – hay-fever or gateway to making wishes?

I just love strange new words that can sum up a whole range of feelings or emotions.

I googled nostalgia this morning – well actually “heimwee” – the Afrikaans word – can’t really translate it but the closest is nostalgia.

And I came upon all these words and they are all connecting to my soul this morning.

I can’t say I’m sad, I can’t say that I want my old life back, I can’t say I’m happy, I really have no description for the inner malaise I’m feeling this morning – so I’m just going to put these words on here and maybe one day I’ll understand better

 

Kairo

The perfect, delicate, crucial moment; the fleeting rightness of time and place that create the opportune atmosphere for action, words or movement.

 

Saudade

A nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost.

 

Querencia

A place from which one’s strength is drawn, where one feels at home, the place where you are your most authentic self

 

Sehnsucht

The inconsolable longing in the human heart for we know not what; a yearning for a far, familiar, non-earthly land we can identify as one’s home.

 

Eleutheromania

An intense and irresistible desire for freedom

 

Have a great weekend – waiting to see what is going to happen with the MIBFA strikes…

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Pity

Something I’m really struggling with at the moment is pity.  I can see that people pity me and I really do not think that I should be pitied.  True my world was upended and I went through some really really bad things and it is obviously not over but if you feel sorry for me, I start to feel sorry for myself and that is then a vicious cycle that can drag me down and allow me to stop fighting and crumble.

Last week sometime I saw an advertisement for a show at the Atterbury theater – I really wanted to go and since I couldn’t find anybody to go with me, I bought a tickets for myself and I went last night.

And every time I told somebody that I’m going on my own, they were shocked and then the next comment will be: “Shame”.  And no people it’s not “shame”, it freedom, freedom to decide to do something and do it.  I don’t have to run it past someone to only have it vetoed because it is far away, or too late, or expensive, or too depressive or stupid etc etc.  I can just do it.  So yes shame, I’m doing things on my own but I’m doing things!!!

And then the show – Afrikaans, one woman show, Sandra Prinsloo.  What can I say… Firstly the word pictures that was painted – how incredibly beautiful – I could feel the pictures with my heart and I could see it with my brain, I was blown away – her sadness pierced my soul with it’s sharp jagged edges.  When she was happy I could feel my heart rise and soar although it was filled with helium.  Her love for her child became the all encompassing love I feel for Zoe.  I cried, I laughed and I mourned…

I mourned the love I thought I had that was all an illusion.  How she was loved by her husband and how she loved him in return…..  I found my engagement ring abandoned at the bottom of a drawer on Tuesday – I looked at this tiny ring – yes I have such skinny fingers that the ring looks so tiny and dainty.  And I felt such sadness for this ring – what it was supposed to represent, what it represented for years and what it is representing now…  I’ll keep it for Zoe but to be brutally honest – do I want to pass the legacy of those diamonds onto her?

So no don’t “shame” me.  Rather say “good on you girl”.  Grab life by the balls and do what you want to do, if you can, when you can.  Yes live with intensity and passion and joy and follow your own bloody hard head!!!!  And bump your head and get hurt and fall down and get up and dust  yourself off and forge ahead.  This life is going to be a triumph, it’s going to be an epic adventure.

And my Afrikaans readers – if you have the opportunity to go and see Sandra Prinsloo in Moedertaal – grab it and go…

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Happy place

Have you ever seen a person look so happy after and whilst putting their bodies through so much pain and suffering.

Some days I do wonder what goes on in my head 🙂

 

Comrades finishTwo oceans happiness

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Love

I’ve taken this from a friend’s facebook page with her permission – it is quotes from Henri Nouwen:

Often we speak about love as if it is a feeling. But if we wait for a feeling of love before loving, we may never learn to love well. The feeling of love is beautiful and life-giving, but our loving cannot be based in that feeling. To love is to think, speak, and act according to the spiritual knowledge that we are infinitely loved by God and called to make that love visible in this world.

Mostly we know what the loving thing to do is. When we “do” love, even if others are not able to respond with love, we will discover that our feelings catch up with our acts.

 

And also:

“How can we choose love when we have experienced so little of it? We choose love by taking small steps of love every time there is an opportunity. A smile, a handshake, a word of encouragement, a phone call, a card, an embrace, a kind greeting, a gesture of support, a moment of attention, a helping hand, a present, a financial contribution, a visit … all these are little steps toward love.

Each step is like a candle burning in the night. It does not take the darkness away, but it guides us through the darkness. When we look back after many small steps of love, we will discover that we have made a long and beautiful journey.”

 

And the further I walk down my new path in life the more I realise that this is what I want to do / create / live by / preach  – whatever you want to call it.

I want to surround myself with love – and I want to give out love and live love.

It may not be a very ambitious goal for my life but why should goals mostly have a monetary value to it? Why is it that people always focus on academic achievements or possessions when they talk about their futures and their goals?

And then a quick update – Zoe was with her dad from Thursday evening – I once again planned to have a weekend completely full with activities and things to do.  Went out for a run on Friday morning – yes I know way way too soon after Comrades and it was freezing cold with a nasty wind.  Got home and my body just said enough – it crashed and I was basically man down for the whole weekend with a serious cold / sinus infection.  I still tried my best on Friday to do things but by Saturday morning I was so sick that I couldn’t even do the most basic yoga poses – yes I was sick and I still went to yoga.

And I really really enjoyed my time alone at my house – on the couch, music on, reading, puttering around doing little things.  So much so that I was asked on a date on Saturday night and I declined!!!  I don’t quite know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but a first date watching rugby – hmmmmm – doesn’t bode well because I really don’t like rugby.

I have to do a questionnaire for the course I’m taking in August – I’m really struggling with the answers because I have to dig very deep.

However I think one answer is now clear:  The question is:  What is the story of your life if written in a book  – I think that my answer should be:  Love, laugh, run.  What do you think?

 

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Worth it…

I took Zoe to a child psychologist yesterday.  I needed to know what I can do differently or what I can do in addition to what I’m already doing to make life as easy and comfortable and safe as possible for her.

Obviously things aren’t ideal and she is very anxious and withdrawn and stressed and hyper-sensitive BUT everything I’ve done in the past 9 months is spot on.

So every tear I’ve shed, every form I’ve completed, every rejection I faced, every phone call, all the begging, all the scheming and planning and praying and shouting and negotiation.  Every scan, every letter, every e-mail, all the pacing around thinking aloud, every swear word, was so worth it.

Because it meant that we got the home that we needed to start our new life, it is giving us the base to rebuild and the anchor that we can hold on to during the storms.  And I know some people may scoff at why a house was so important to me but for me it represents so much more than walls and a roof.  It is our place, our sanctuary, our hide-out from the storms.  It is a place where we can love freely, where we can laugh with abandon and where we can be ourselves with the people that are allowed into those 4 walls with us.

And I think that is most important – the energy in that little house needs to be right – always and therefore only a selected few will every be allowed in there.

Quite a few other things transpired in this consulting session and even though it is breaking my heart, I can’t do anything about it, it is out of my control.  And therefore I just need to do what I’m doing and hopefully that will be enough to make my girl a strong, happy, confident woman that feel emotions freely and love with abandon, one day.

Because at the end of the day – that is my mission in life…

 

 

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Strong

So when can I say to everybody around me – I’m done with being strong – I need to collapse in a heap and cry for a week?

I so appreciate everybody around me and the support but I’ve been running away from the heart and soul issues for too long now.  I’ve sorted the physical, financial, practical issues but everything that is just about me I’ve crammed into a box and I’ve packed it into the deepest recesses of my mind.

And it is wriggling and wiggling to come out and if it does without my permission it is going to engulf me and destroy me.

I need to collapse and be alone and ghost my phone and feel sorry for myself and cry until I’m cried out.

I need to deal with the double rejection, the hurt, the anger, the loss of a life, the loss of my youth, the  loss of dreams and plans, the loss of who I thought I was – or was trained into believing, the loss of my child – yes I have lost her in a sense as well – because I’m missing out on all her experiences.  And the hurtful words and actions of people – people that I allowed in when I shouldn’t have.  People telling me I’m too intense – what the hell – too intense?????  I’ve been fighting for some kind of normality for months now – obviously I’m intense – I’m in fight or flight mode the whole time!!  And maybe intense is not such a bad thing – it can also mean that I’m passionate about things and yes I’m planning to live my life to the fullest – I’m out of my gilded cage and it is my turn to fly on my terms now – so yes if you can’t handle intense – tell me so and let’s move on, but don’t ghost me.  (ohhh dear – going of the subject here)

Wednesday  evening when I planned to have a night alone my brother dragged me away and kept me going until so late that I could only go home and collapse.

The same with the weekend – instead of staying at home and facing my demons – I was once again out running away.

So sooner or later – I’m going to have to be strong again – tell everybody around me that I’m going to switch off my phone, and that I’ll be fine but I need to be alone at home…  for a big chunk of time to deal with the issues.  Because by running away and staying busy all the time, I’m not dealing with what is going on inside.  And I need to.

I have a dream and I’m really hoping to fulfill it – every weekend when Zoe is away I want to pack my tent and a sleeping bag in my car – nothing else – it has to be completely basic and I want to drive in any direction away from Johannesburg and put my tent up in a camping site and stay there for the weekend – by myself.  Go and run the trails around the area and sit at night looking at the stars.

The bottom line of this whole thing is that I need to spend time with myself because I need to love myself and like myself and that will give me the power to disallow people to hurt me so deeply with their perceptions of me – then a rejection like – you are too intense will roll of my back because I’ll see that intense may be so much better than shallow and just being alive….

 

 

 

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As expected

As expected and after the hype and high of Comrades and when I’m only left with the sore legs and the knowledge that I can’t run for a month I’ve hit a wall.

I’m at work and I can only stare at my computer – I’m lower than low.  And tonight I don’t have Zoe with me.

I’ve expected it, I’ve been preparing myself for it so like the people in Cape Town – I’m going to batten down the hatches.  Going to give myself permission to go to the mall this afternoon and just wander around – me, myself and I.

Tonight on the couch, under the blankets, proper music, good book, chocolates, chips, pizza and red wine.  And a box of tissues and my dogs.

Tomorrow, I’ll lift up my head and forge ahead – today’s storm will be over.

 

 

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