I’m so excited

I’m so excited – I’ve just enrolled myself to start studying again!

I’ve been bored for so long – a boredom that can’t be alleviated by reading or running.  My brain needed something and now I can do it.

This is only a one day course but it is the first module in 10 module course that can put me on the road to a lifetime dream.  The dream to help people in need.

So I’ve paid my deposit, I’ve send my photograph and now I have to complete the questionnaire – but I’ll have to look very deep into myself and scratch in a lot of places to give the real true answers.

The course is only in August and therefore I’m not going to stress about the questionnaire now – I’m sure I’m going to grow and change a lot before August and therefore I’ll only complete it closer to the time.

Whhoooo – it is now your turn to shine brain!

 

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Promises

I’m not going into details – suffice to say that my dad was not an ideal role model and therefore my parent’s marriage not ideal for a girl to base her experiences on and her expectations of marriage.  Yes I basically married a version of dad.

Anyway – long before that – I think I was about 10 – so Zoe’s age – I made a promise to myself that I’ll never end up in a relationship like my mom (hahahahaha) – I would make sure that I can look after myself and will be independent of any man, so if things go bad I can get out without fear of not being able to look after myself and my children.

That promise has been hanging over my head for a good 20 years now.  I’ve always shelved it back when it surfaced because I didn’t want to have to acknowledge that I’ve broken my own promise.

But this morning I realised that I didn’t put a time limit on that promise.  And what am I doing now?  I’m looking after myself and my daughter and our two dogs.  I’ve created a peaceful and warm space for us to live in and to spend together in total harmony and positiveness.

I’m so so grateful that I managed to keep that promise to myself.  And it is still early days and I have seen how things can fall apart quite quickly but for now, I’m keeping that long ago promise.

I do have my off days and I think what is really catching me is that I feel that I’ve missed out on something and I want it NOW, however I’m not really sure what that something is and I suppose until I know what it is, I can’t really want it NOR ask for it.

Have a great week.

 

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Enough already

So I was driving to school this morning and feeling exceptionally sorry for myself.  I’m sure you all know that I’ve been in a funk for about 2 weeks now.  I have no idea why, I can’t articulate it, I feel sentimental and sad and just blah.

But this morning I’ve just had enough of myself.  And I gave myself a good pep talk and a hard slap against the back of the head – obviously figuratively.

Why do you feel so sorry for yourself.  Has God not proved time and time again that HE gives you what you need when you need it.  Not before, not after, you may wander off on a different route but He will yank you back and point your feet in the right direction.

Look at the car – everything just fell into place and it worked out.  With enough money and the perfect match for you and Zoe.

Look at the house – you made plans and talked to people and made more plans and looked at houses and drew up Excel spreadsheet and drove around in circles and cried in offices and on the phone and collected piles and piles of documents and sobbed in stranger’s arms and in work colleague’s arms.  And when the time was right?  Everything came togehter and you now have the perfect place – meeting all your needs.  And the final result – it came to you in a phone call nothing you did made it happen…

So why should it be different in any other aspect of your live?  Why would God abandon you now?  Why would He let you walk down a road without guidance, all on your own?

Come on Girl – you know – yes you definitely know in your heart of hearts that everything will happen as it should, when it should, in God’s Own Time.

Stop it, Stop overthinking, stop analysing, stop planning, stop stop STOP!!!!

And another weekend without Zoe – gosh I find it so incredibly hard…

 

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Running and crying

I went running on my own yesterday – doesn’t happen very often these days but I had to run yesterday so I went out.

And whilst I was running a friend phoned me.  Her husband died of brain cancer last year – he held on for a year and he suffered tremendously and she looked after him until the end.  In a sense I’m so jealous of her – she has lost her husband but everything else is the same.  Her memories of their time together, the promises made, her financial position etc etc.  My memories are tainted with cruel words and statements of years and years of unhappiness, promises made were broken and I can go on and on about how her situation is actually better than mine from my very subjective point of view.

Anyway – so we spoke whilst I was running and after I said goodbye – I broke down and started to cry – but that ugly crying with tears, and hiccups and snot and wailing.  But I kept running.  And I allowed myself 100 meters in every 1 kilometer to have an ugly cry…  What a sight it must have been but by the time I got to 12 km’s I was back under control.  Not completely fine but at least the crying has stopped.

So it seems although with the right triggers it is possible to run and cry after all.

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So what do you do…

So what do you do when your stress factors decrease with about 50%?  Do you sit back and relax and pat yourself on the shoulder for a job well done and bask in the joy of it.

Hmmm maybe if you are a normal human being.  But Runnermum – ohhh no – that will be way way way too easy.

It seems although I’m really trying to tick all the boxes on the most extreme stressful situations you can find yourself in.

But I have to admit that I’ve been flailing because of the stress not being there.  I could feel myself folding without that extreme weight on my shoulders.

So what did I do – I’m building – yes I’m already doing work on the new house.  Not a lot and not very expensive but just something to keep the dogs contained.

And I’ve taken on more work

And remember Comrades is just around the corner – 18 days to be precise

And after consults with Deblet and 36 hours without water I’m not hatching plans to re-use my grey water.

Heavens forbid that I have to sit down and do nothing…

 

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Helen Mirren

This lady does have some interesting things to say:

I got this from this website:  http://samantha-wilson.com/2016/10/helen-mirren-10-quotes-remind-grow-wilder/

But I’ve copied it as well and I’ve put my thoughts in brackets afterwards – I don’t agree with everything but maybe we should look at the bigger picture – she is still very much alive and kicking at 70 years old.

1. At 70 years old, if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to use the words “fuck off” much more frequently.      (I say fuck A LOT but you should always keep in mind that it is offensive to some people so use sparingly – FUCK OFF – well there is only one person that I want to say that to 🙂

2. I still have a Gypsy sense of adventure. I don’t think I have slept in the same bed for more than three or four months my whole life. I am always planting vegetables that I never get to eat and flowers that I never see flower. I have always moved around the world.  (Hmmm – I kinda like my own bed – I don’t really know how you manage new beds every 3 months – you’ll have to rely a lot on people and their kindness to get that right.)

3. The whole thing of clothes is insane. You can spend a dollar on a jacket in a thrift store. And you can spend a thousand dollars on a jacket in a shop. And if you saw those two jackets walking down the street, you probably wouldn’t know which was which. (This I completely agree with – spending a lot of money on clothes is criminal – except shoes – shoes need to be good quality – you only have one pair of feet)

4. Women have got to stop being polite. If I ever had children, which I don’t, the first thing I’d teach a girl of mine is the words “fuck off”.  ( ahhh that syndrome – how I’ll raise my kids – and then you have kids.  Polite shows respect and it is important.  Rather teach your child to stand up and speak up in an amazing vocabulary to dazzle and confuse)

5. The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous, and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.  ( YES YES YES)

6. I’m a get-a-dress-at-the-thrift-shop-but-open-a-bottle-of-champagne kind of person.” ( cheap clothes – not so much champagne but amazing memory filled experiences)

7. I think every woman in our culture is a feminist. They may refuse to articulate it, but if you were to take any woman back 40 years and say, ‘Is this a world you want to live in?’ They would say, ‘No.’”  ( I  have to agree)

8. The weird thing is, you get more comfortable in yourself, even as time is giving you less reason for it. When you’re young and beautiful, you’re paranoid and miserable. I think one of the great advantages of getting older is that you let go of certain things. (YES YES YES)

9. Your 40s are good. Your 50s are great. Your 60s are fab. And 70 is fucking awesome. ( I really hope so – up to now – my 40’s has been interesting…)

10. All my life I’ve been looking at 16-year-old girls selling beauty, so I think it’s fabulous that they’re using a 70-year-old woman to sell products to other 60 to 80-year-old women. (16 year old girls can’t selling beauty products – those young skins can’t be replicated later on.)

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Friendship

E has been my saving grace – in her quiet unassuming way she has been supporting me since last year July.  Yes she used to run but then disappeared for a few years due to injury and she just quietly rocked up last year and started running again.

And she has been a rock.  If not for her, I don’t think I would’ve pushed through with the running but she made sure we make appointments to run almost 5 days a week and I had no choice but to run.

Last night my brother said something – not really horrible or mean but it felt like a fist in the solar plexus and I just started to cry.  In tears I drove to meeting place from where E and myself was to start our evening run.  I got out of the car and she just ran and enveloped me in a giant hug – she couldn’t really see me because it was already dusk but she just knew something was seriously wrong.

So there we were – pitch black because the electricity was off and we ran – only 5km’s but enough time to slay the dragon and for her to listen.  And then we went for a beer, only one but the world was a better place again.

I’m really starting to hit a serious low – I think the adrenaline I’ve been operating on for the past 8 months has started to abate because I’ve moved and the other house has been sold.  I was expecting it but not within a week of moving – I thought I’ll be able to contain it until after Comrades.  But as with everything else….

I’ll just face it head-on and battle my way through…

 

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